A Non-Comprehensive List of Important Facebook “Don’ts”

FacebookGenerally, I’m a fan of Facebook.

While the social media giant may not be perfect, Facebook is unquestionably a great way to stay connected with old friends and associates that are no longer in your “every day” circle. I’m glad to know that my cousins in Georgia, and their kids, are doing well. I’m happy to read witticisms posted by college classmates and be reminded that inside our shells, aged 25 years, those younger dudes are still floating around. However, all good things aside, I have identified, over the course of my five years with Facebook, several misuses of this powerful tool. Ladies and gentlemen, there ARE things that should NOT be posted on Facebook. So without further ado, and for the benefit of my 823 friends, many of whom I know, I have gathered a non-comprehensive list of important Facebook “Don’ts.”

First, do not post quoted country song lyrics that are unmistakably applicable to your own life.

Do not post a 20th pic of your baby wearing a cute hat, even if each shot shows the hat at a slightly different angle.

Do not post your check-in … anywhere!

Do not submit a post ascribing human qualities to your pet. When I find human beings routinely sniffing their own rear ends or eating vomit, I will declare dogs and cats “human.”

Never post a 2nd profile-photo change in a single day or a 5th in any given week. And to you violators out there: your narcissism is overwhelming.

Fake Bill Gates PhotoNever post political rants, unless you are an actual government official, in which case there is real entertainment value, and we thank you for documenting your ignorance.

Never post retractions. You said it. Don’t back away. “I did not mean it like that” should be grounds for immediate Facebook expulsion!

Do not post any tale in which your male child cries. Do not do it. I can’t speak for girl children – I have none, and I was not one – but I can tell you unequivocally that your son does NOT want that on Facebook. He’ll be 25 one day and some geezer will tell him “Yeah, I remember that time you bawled like a baby when your dog ate the action figure off your birthday cake. Saw it on Facebook.” Ladies, I’m telling you, men never forget crying males. It’s primal.

Do not post more than 5 “shared” pictures consecutively. We, your Facebook friends, appreciate what you find poignant or witty. But in moderation … please.

There are a few posts that are not wholly detrimental but are nonetheless irritating. For instance, a picture of anyone’s feet, besides mine, at a beach.

Beach ToesActually, NO gathering of older women at a beach on a girls’ trip should be posted. Beyond the fact that the use of the term “girls” is misleading, which I contend is corroborated by the photographic evidence, when these events show up, I just can’t get past that sad mental image of four hard-working guys back home steadily running out of clean clothes.

Do not post pictures of your frozen margarita glasses lining a bar somewhere AFTER having posted your “Bible Verse of the Day” earlier that SAME day.

Don’t post your Social Security Number.

Don’t post that your size 2 shorts are just “falling off you,” unless you are INTENTIONALLY seeking to be defriended by all your fat friends.

Along that same line, don’t comment on your workout regimen while “checked-in” at a Krispy Kreme.

If you are actively crying or medicated, do not post anything. Similarly, if it is later than 11 pm, DO NOT POST. Believe me. Nothing good can come of it. However, if you are intoxicated, disregard the previous two rules and post away. No baby in a cute hat can entertain like a drunk waxing eloquent, so long as you don’t have to be in the same room with them. 68.6% of people on Facebook are only there to watch others go down in flames anyway. Give’em their money’s worth.

Certainly this is not a complete and final list of things that should be avoided on Facebook, but it’s a start. If you know of other good ones, send them to me at my Facebook account.

Oh, I almost forgot the most important one! Do NOT be caught promoting your stupid blog on Facebook. Nobody wants to read it. It’s just filling up people’s news feeds. Come on!



Filed under Goings On In Baldwyn, Mississippi, Happening Now, Just For Fun

2 responses to “A Non-Comprehensive List of Important Facebook “Don’ts”

  1. Kim Haynes

    You are too funny, wicked and smart! Loving that ending!   Kim


  2. Cynthia Mink

    Just saw this on facebook…

    facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “unstable”.

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